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Jim,
a Michigan technology consultant, can't even
remember what his daughter looks like.
"I haven't been allowed to see my
little Caroline for over three years,"
he says. "The last picture I have of
her was taken four years ago, when she was
eight years old. The only contact I'm
allowed with her is a short phone call every
Sunday, and often even that is
blocked."
Jim, a Commander in the Naval Reserve, has
fought the toughest battle of his life to
remain in his daughter's life. Twelve years
ago his ex-wife left their home in Michigan
and moved with their baby to Louisiana. Time
and again Jim says he has paid the $600
round trip fare to go to Louisiana to see
his daughter only to have his visitation
blocked, even when he has come to visit his
daughter on her birthday.
Jim has appealed to the courts on numerous
occasions to enforce his visitation rights,
to no avail. At the same time, he has paid
enormous legal fees (as well as child
support) and has almost been forced into
bankruptcy. He says:
"I sometimes wonder if that picture of
Caroline is the last one I'll ever
see."
Jim and hundreds of thousands like him are
part of a new generation of heroic fathers
who fight a long, hard, and often desperate
struggle to remain a part of their
children's lives.
Three-quarters of divorced fathers surveyed
maintain that their ex-wives have
substantially interfered with their
visitation rights. A nationwide study of
children of divorce confirmed these
sentiments, and as many as 40% of mothers
surveyed have admitted they have interfered
with visitation and that their motives were
punitive and not due to safety
considerations.
Some fathers have even been denied all
contact with their children because courts
have accepted false and/or uncorroborated
accusations of domestic violence or child
sexual abuse. Forensic consultant Dean Tong,
author of Elusive Innocence, believes that
in the context of a custody battle, between
60% and 80% of domestic violence accusations
are false. According to a study conducted in
New York state, 75% of child sexual abuse
accusations made during custody battles were
shown to be unfounded or unsubstantiated.
Other fathers have suffered at the hands of
"move-away moms" who permit or
even use geography to drive fathers out of
their children's lives. And some fathers
have watched helplessly as their own
children have been taught to hate them.
Fathers with horror stories are not hard to
find. Like Daniel Lee, the founder of the
Tennessee shared parenting group Child's
Best Interest, who has flown nearly half a
million miles over the last five years so
that he can see his son, who was taken to
live 2,000 miles away. Or Edgar P., a Los
Angeles father who risked a one year jail
sentence for a domestic violence charge
because he knew that pleading guilty in a
plea bargain would destroy his chances of
obtaining visitation rights with his young
daughter. He was acquitted of the charge
last year but is still only allowed to see
his child a few hours a week.
Some distraught fathers find the situation
so painful that they destroy themselves.
Following an adverse family court decision
last year, 20-year Navy veteran Derrick
Miller walked up to court personnel at the
entrance to a San Diego courthouse, waved
his court documents, said "You did this
to me," and shot himself in the head.
Nationwide divorced fathers are ten times as
likely to commit suicide as divorced
mothers, and more than twice as likely to
commit suicide as married fathers.
Other fathers simply give up and drop out of
their children's lives.
Increasingly, fathers like Lee and Jim, a
member of a Michigan shared parenting group,
are turning to political activism. Jim says:
"I want to change the system so that no
father ever again has to go through what
I've been through. The problem is not my ex.
The problem is a family court system which
allows her to do this."
This
column first appeared in the Long Beach
Times (6/5/03).
Glenn
Sacks is a men's and fathers' issues
columnist and radio talk show host. His
columns have appeared in dozens of America's
largest newspapers. His radio show, His
Side with Glenn Sacks, can be heard
every Sunday on KRLA 870 AM in Los Angeles.
Glenn
can be reached via his website, at
www.GlennSacks.com
or
by e-mail at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
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