Five myths of fatherhood
If you're like most new or expectant dads, you're probably carrying
around some silent assumptions about what it means to be a father. Those
ideas are rooted in your experiences with your own father* and in what
you believe society expects of a male parent. Unfortunately, few
resources exist to help men address these issues or put common myths to
the test. Yet the more you examine and understand your unspoken
expectations of fatherhood, the better chance you have of becoming the
parent you want to be.
*
Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that there's only one definition of a
"good father." But fatherhood is not a fixed entity. You have the power
to craft your own version to meet your needs and the needs of your family
- and you can do it over time. From pregnancy through the first three
years of parenthood, men change and develop a unique identity as a
father. Here are five other commonly held beliefs and the truth hidden
behind them.
Myth 1: Only the expectant mother's feelings are important
Your partner's amazing body changes during pregnancy and the focus on the
birth process make it easy to think that her feelings are the only ones
that count. Your concern for her physical and mental health is important
now and during the postpartum period, but so are your own feelings.
It's easy for an expectant dad to talk excitedly about the positives of
becoming a father. It's much tougher to give voice to the equally
important - and inevitable - feelings of fear and apprehension.* Will I
faint at the birth? Will there be medical complications? How will our
relationship change? Can I pursue my career and be the father I want to
be?
*
Your partner needs to hear your feelings. Many men keep their fears about
pregnancy and fatherhood to themselves because they don't want to add to
their partner's worries. Don't be afraid of burdening her. Women crave
this kind of interaction, and they know that becoming a father brings
challenges. Sharing your fears with your wife* or partner will bring you
closer.
*
You can also seek out other expectant fathers, read a good book about
becoming a father, and attend a fathering class or group for support.
Give yourself permission to express both your feelings of vulnerability
and excitement. If we always play the part of men who are strong, we lose
touch with a part of ourselves. By valuing your concerns during pregnancy
and early parenting, you challenge the myth that we merely accompany our
partners through the process.
Myth 2: Newborns don't really need their fathers
The intense connection between your partner and infant - especially if
they're breastfeeding - can leave you wondering whether your baby really
needs you. Rest assured he does. You're an important person in his life,
and being with you is comforting and soothing to him. To bond with your
baby,* hold, rock, and coo at him, but wait until after he eats so you'll
have his full attention. Taking over after a meal also gives your partner
a chance to recoup her energy after breastfeeding.
*
You can help feed your baby if your partner expresses milk into a bottle
or if you decide to supplement breastfeeding with occasional formula
feeding. And you can help youb bary indirectly by helping your partner
around the house. Lightening her workload is nurturing for her and allows
her more relaxed time with the baby. Remember, you make a difference to
the whole family.
Myth 3: Men don't know how to care for young children
This is a great lie that keeps fathers from having a primary relationship
with their babies and causes unnecessary anxiety for new mothers who fear
that men aren't capable of handling newborns. Even Dr. Spock, the late
pediatrician and best-selling author, cautioned in his first book that
men are subject to "clumsiness" around babies. He changed his opinion in
subsequent editions and you should, too. We know now that a father can be
a child's primary caregiver. Parenting is learned on the job* by
everyone, moms and dads. If you spend time with your baby, you will
become sensitive to his needs.
*
Myth 4: Men who focus on their children can't make it in the work world
Men are raised to value work as their main source of worth and
self-esteem. Society's underlying message is that men who make sacrifices
and choose family over career advancement do it because they can't
succeed at work. But we are at the beginning of an epic shift in cultural
norms. More men are finding parenthood meaningful and that is raising the
status of fathers. Some men are trading career advancement for time with
their family* because they value the fulfillment they find in fatherhood,
not because they can't hack it in the job market. More men than ever feel
that being a good father is a significant accomplishment in life.
*
Myth 5: You are destined to be just like your own father
Your father will take on new significance when you become a dad. It's
natural to reflect on your history and think that, for better or worse,
you will follow in your old man's footsteps. But your own father needn't
be your primary role model for parenting. He is just one influence on
what kind of dad you'll become. Look to others who have nurtured you over
the years, including teachers, coaches, friends, uncles, brothers, and so
on, and create your own identity as a father.
In my research throughout the world, I found no evidence of one
consistent model for fatherhood. Different cultures approach fatherhood
in a variety of ways. In fact, in some African cultures, "father" is a
group of men, not an individual. Fatherhood is socially constructed,
meaning it adapts to the needs of individual cultures. That is exactly
what our fathers did. For them, being a good father meant providing the
family with a home, food, and education. Our own dads probably didn't
spend as much time with us as we would like to spend with our own
children. But they did what they thought was best for us, given societal
and family demands at the time.
You, too, must make choices that are best for your family. Try to see
fatherhood as a role you grow into as you explore the possibilities. You
can take the positives from your own family history and add to them in
ways that never occurred to your own father.
How to challenge the Five Myths of Fatherhood
1. Take time to reflect on how becoming (or being) a father is affecting
you. Share your feelings with your partner and other new and expectant
fathers.
2. Hold, rock, and talk to your newborn right from the birth.
3. Learn how to change diapers, give baths, feed your baby, and be part
of his daily life.
4. Consider what career compromises you are willing to make to spend time
with your child. This is an experiment that takes place over time.
5. Take what you like best about your father, teachers, coaches, friends,
and relatives to create your own identity as a dad. Anyone who has
nurtured you can be a good role model.
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Bruce Linton is a licensed family therapist and founder of the Fathers'
Forum programs* for new and expectant dads, and the author of Finding
Time for Fatherhood. He lives in Berkeley, California, with his wife and
two teenage children. E-mail him at drlinton@fathersforum.com.
* http://www.fathersforum.com/
Read the transcript of our 15 June 1999, chat with Bruce Linton, Finding
Time for Fatherhood: