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Why Men Lose in Family Court?
By Mike L. Weening

The subject of this article is "Why Do Men Lose In Family Court?" I have
spent the last 13 years attempting to answer this question. After
considerable research, case evaluations and client interviews I believe I
now have the answer.

Twelve years ago I went through a brutal divorce. Actually, at the time of
divorce we were very friendly with one another and agreed to settle out of
court. My Ex-wife filed for divorce and like most men I simply agreed to
the terms. I walked away with nothing! I surrendered the house, ($40,000.00
in equity) the boat, the car, furniture etc. etc…Everything I had acquired
in 13 years of marriage was suddenly gone. We had three children and I
wanted them to have the benefit of these items. Although I didn't realize
it at the time I could have and should have made better agreements that
would have benefited all members of my family in a much greater way.
Looking back I simply didn't know what a good agreement was or how to make
the deal. I was so concerned about maintaining a good relationship with my
ex that I avoided anything that might have resulted in a legal battle. This
was truly a mistake!

Like most men I had adopted the common belief that men always lose in
divorce proceedings so why not just surrender everything now and avoid the
inevitable. What I didn't realize at the time was that I wasn't doing
anyone any favors by surrendering everything to my ex-wife. Ignorantly
giving up my property caused my wife to develop a false confidence in the
legal system that would soon allow her to sue me again and again and again.
Like many women she understood the prevailing thought of men that they
always lose in family court and she capitalized on this belief. Therefore
it didn't matter any longer how much I had given to her the fact that I
didn't know what I was doing was extremely obvious. Despite everything I
had surrendered, ignorantly failing to make fair and equitable agreements
at the time of my departure from the family home was a colossal mistake and
was a personal invitation for her to sue me later. I would in time realize
that money and property are no substitute for a well-written, fair and
equitable agreement of ALL issues. Like the American Express advertisement
declares "Don't leave home without it!"

I had also surrendered a number of other rights simply because I was
ignorant and wasn't aware of the significance of these rights. Mainly
rights to my children. I had mistakenly believed that women always get
custody of children and Dads always get the standard every other weekend
visitation schedule. In fact I was so ignorant I actually thought this was
the law! Little did I realize that even after I had given everything I had,
I would still have to give more.

About 3 years later I acquired a new love interest and our "friendly
divorce" turned into a legal nightmare! She went to an attorney and was
advised to take me back to court to increase child support, decrease
visitation and a host of other issues. Not knowing any better I went to an
attorney, paid a $3500.00 retainer fee and went to court. It was my belief
that we had fairly resolved all of our legal issues and I really didn't
understand why she wanted more or how she could get more.

After 3 court hearings and an additional $3000.00 in attorney fees (total
$6,500.00) later I had gotten my butt kicked! My attorney did absolutely
nothing! He was worthless but certainly richer. On the way home from the
courthouse I realized how unfair the family law system of justice was for
men and began a search for answers. Further, I realized that just having an
attorney does not mean there will be a successful resolution. A few days
later I saw a newspaper advertisement for a Fathers Rights support group
near my home. It sounded interesting so I decided to attend one of their
meetings.

The following Friday I arrived at the meeting discouraged and without hope.
As I walked to my seat I passed a number of tables with pamphlets and books
and other written materials all directed at men with family law problems.
Most of these materials were advocating political reform of the family law
system. I grabbed one of everything!

Once in my seat the meeting began with a number of men sharing their
stories of severe prejudice and bias in the family court. The first thing I
realized was that I was not alone in what I had experienced in and out of
court. After two or three testimonies a gentleman went to the podium and
addressed the crowd. The subject of his speech was "Why men lose in Family
Court."

The gentleman opened his speech with these questions: "How many of you came
here tonight because you are currently in a family law case and are looking
for answers?" Everyone in the room raised their hands. "How many of you
defaulted by not responding to divorce or hearing papers?" Many raised
their hands. "How many of you are struggling to pay your child support?"
Again almost everyone raised their hands. "How many of you are being
harassed by the District Attorney for child support?" "How many of you have
had their driver's licenses suspended or taxes taken due to unpaid child
support?" Many raised their hands. "How many of you only see your kids
every other weekend?" About half the room raised a hand. "How many of you
paid a large amount of money to an attorney to resolve your problems and
still lost the battle?" Again almost everyone raised their hands. Finally
he asked, "How many of you are happy with the outcome of your case?" The
room suddenly became quiet and no one raised their hands.

When the speaker had finished asking the questions it was very apparent
that most of the men in the room, including me, didn't know the first thing
about avoiding or resolving a family law problem! It was a moment of
realization that we had each failed due to our own ignorance. These men,
myself included were like lambs headed to slaughter. None of us had a clue
as to what we had done wrong or how we could still resolve our own legal
problems! What a pathetic group of men! This wasn't what any of us expected.

The speaker continued by explaining why men lose in family court. "Yes
there is bias and prejudice in family court towards men. Yes the family
court system is broken and needs reform. Yes there is discrimination
against men. However, despite these problems most of you have failed
because you didn't take the time to learn how the system works." As he
spoke he gave numerous examples of mistakes that men make. (These Mistakes
are discussed in the Fathers Rights Survival Guide.) "Men lose in family
court because they simply don't do their homework and women do!" 

Most men, myself included, believe they are capable of resolving just about
any problem. Most have run businesses, negotiated purchases of homes and/or
cars and have been successful resolving other large problems at work and
home. Consistent with their success in other areas of their life, when
their long-term relationship's end they believe they can "cut a deal" or
somehow avoid a problematic legal case without making legally filed
agreements. Call it male machismo or pride but in reality it's called
arrogance! Failing to learn how the family law system works will doom your
case. Like one leading motivational speaker has stated: "Failing to plan is
planning to fail!" There is no substitute for correct information and
knowledge.

The speaker closed the meeting with this exhortation: "I want each of you
to make a commitment. A commitment to your friends, family, to your
children and to yourself! I want you to commit to learning how the family
law system works. I want you to commit to changing the outcome of your
case! This week I want each of you to go to a law library or bookstore in
your area and read anything and everything you can on family law. Once you
have acquired the needed knowledge set a goal, form a plan and don't give
up until you get what you want and need!"

As I drove home from the meeting I was filled with mixed emotions about
what the speaker had said. On one hand I was encouraged that I could take
control of my case, learn how the system works and resolve my ongoing legal
problems. On the other hand I was very discouraged when I realized I had
caused my own legal problems. I had lost in court because I had failed to
learn the "rules of the game." Like millions of other men I thought I could
strike an easy out of court settlement and go on with my life. How wrong I
was! This was a very hard lesson for me! I was a college graduate. I was
fairly intelligent and should have known better. My Ex-wife wasn't to
blame, I was! I did this too myself! My failure was her victory!

The very next morning I decided to make the commitment to resolve my legal
problems. As the speaker instructed I went to the local law library and
read numerous books and articles. The following day I went to numerous
bookstores and read many self-help books on family law. In addition, I
searched the Internet and read everything I could about divorce and Family
Law. The more I read the more I realized how mistaken I had been. 

Over the next six months I continued studying Family Law and attending the
meetings sponsored by Coalition of Parent Support. The Fathers Rights
movement and my own personal knowledge began to flourish. In fact, I
eventually became a board member of the statewide group. After a few
months, I even enrolled in paralegal classes at a community college. A year
later I was so committed that I enrolled in law school. Boy what a turn
around!

My first year of law school I did two important things. I started my own
organization called Fathers Rights, Inc. I began offering self-help legal
assistance and counseling to men. Also, I returned to court to resolve
unfinished legal business. This time I was prepared for battle! I had done
my homework!

On the day of court I discovered that my ex-wife had retained the same
attorney she had used previously. When he saw me in the hallway I am sure
he thought this would be quick and easy. After all I was so misinformed the
first time. The attorney approached me and began telling me how ridiculous
my request for hearing was and that he was going to "stick it to me" if I
didn't drop the matter immediately. With confidence, I informed him I would
not do so and would see him before the Judge. We did discuss the legal
issues at hand and you could see that his attitude towards me was much
different than before. The attorney made his routine offer of settlement
that I promptly refused. He was now very concerned. He had recognized that
something was very different.

About an hour later, we ended up in front of the Judge. Here's what
happened: My child support went from $1,113.00 per month plus health
insurance of $225.00 to $243.00 a month in child support and she paid the
health insurance. Further, my visitation time-share with my kids went from
5% to 43%. It turns out that my ex-wife was earning over $100,000.00 a
year. I had filed subpoenas with her bank and employers based on a rumor I
had heard that she had a second job but I wasn't sure. The subpoenas
revealed that she did in fact have a second job. She had not revealed this
to the court. Even her attorney was unaware of this! In fact her "second
job" earned her significantly more money than her regular job. Big mistake
on her part! Needless to say I won the relief that I was seeking! My
ex-wife may have won a previous battle but ultimately lost the war. Over
the next six months there were other legal issues that I was able to
resolve. I stopped her from moving out of state with the kids. In fact this
did not even require a hearing. She accepted my legal explanation of what
the court would in fact do and she decided not to move.

On another occasion the principal of the school that my children attended
felt she had no obligation to provide me with copies of my children's
report cards and other information. (Emergency medical contact information,
Notice of parent-teacher conferences, transcripts etc. etc…) It's
significant to note that my ex-wife's mother was the vice-president of the
school board. The principal, vice-principal, teachers and school nurse were
aware of this. No doubt that the decision to deny my parental rights was
directly related to my mother-in-laws powerful position. Well, I filed a
suit in civil court naming the principal, vice-principal, school nurse, the
entire local and county school boards, and the California board of education. 

At the hearing the County's attorney spoke with me and expressed regret
that this matter had to be filed. He agreed that the schools position could
not be legally supported based on the family code. He informed them that
their position was in error and the policy of preventing a parent with
joint legal custody from viewing his children's school records was illegal
and should be instantly changed. The matter was settled in the hallway and
never made it to the Judge and for good reason. 

Here is the best part of this story: After successfully resolving the legal
issues my ex-wife "got the message." She realized that I would never again
allow myself to be used as a legal punching bag. There would be no more
rolling over. No more defaults, no more passivity. I had become a
pro-active participant. I had finally learned how the system worked and
would vigorously defend myself in any future issue that might arise. And
guess what? Once she understood she could no longer win automatically, Lo
and behold we never had another legal dispute! Immediately following the
last court hearing our conversations became civil but solely limited to the
lives of the kids. Exactly the way it should be! (And should have been from
the beginning)

My children are grown now and I have a great relationship with each one and
that's what it's all about! I learned the hard way that what you do now
will determine the quality of the relationship you will have with your
children in the future. People forget that children are only in the custody
of either parent for a relatively short time. After they reach the age of
majority is when the real relationship begins! I was fortunate in that I
discovered my failure in time. I was able to reverse a never-ending trend
of court hearing after court hearing with no end in sight. It all changed
that one evening after the meeting when I decided to commit to making
needed changes in my attitude and approach to my case. I had learned a
valuable lesson. Know the rules before you play the game! Once I discovered
the rules of the game it all changed.